Transcending Sexual Abuse - March 2010

"Ti[s for Surviving Winter"

by Linde Grace White

Most of us, when we think about decisions think about the big decisions. Should you take this job? Taking it means you¡¯ll need to live in a certain area. That limits the kind of place you can live in. There may not be single family homes in that area or none may be available. Apartment? Condo? Commute? One thing leads to another whether the decision is big or small. Where you live determines what kinds of people you live with. Do you live in California? You will not find there many people who live in the Manhattan life style. In today¡¯s world, people get to choose where they live. It may take courage and determination to move out of your comfort zone, but it can be done.

This leads me to the major point of this article: everything you do, including recovery, is the result of choices you make whether consciously or unconsciously. Alcoholics who choose to be sober decide every day that they are not going to drink. One of their famous lines is ¡¡ãOne day at a time.¡¡À By this they mean that they can¡¯t really think about being sober for years at a time (i.e. I won¡¯t drink again until 2015), but they choose not to drink today. Tomorrow, they may make that same decision again. The former alcoholics I know are very aware that they are making that decision each and every day. They may not think about not drinking 24/7, but it is never far from their consciousness. They observe how their daily decision improves life and relationships for them, personally, and they do what is necessary to keep the improvement going. Few of them will tell you that they wish they still drank to excess. Every case is different, an occasional person can, perhaps, have a drink now and then, but the former alcoholics I know do not drink at all. One friend has been sober for over 30 years. When almost everybody else at a party in a restaurant ordered alcohol, she had coffee. You make decisions all the time.

There are particular decisions that you, as a survivor of sexual abuse, will make every day. These decisions relate mainly to how you continue to survive and thrive. One decisions concerns simple safety. I usually have to remind myself, daily, that I am as safe as can reasonably be expected. He has been dead for 25 years, but on a psychological level my essence is still afraid of my father. When I go to bed at night, I usually have to remind myself that 1) I am alone in my home; 2) I have taken every safety precaution possible; 3) I am an adult and I will have to consent to any course of action. I still, after all these years, choose to sleep facing the door. I do not like enclosed places and prefer aisle seating wherever I go.

Sound familiar? My psychological needs remain a force to be reckoned with. A lot of my decisions are based on these needs. My decision to remain single relates directly to my need to feel sovereign over my own body and my own actions. It is not merely that I choose not to adapt to someone else¡¯s needs or wants. In fact, I adapt almost daily and very happily to needs or wants of my children and grandchildren. I would not choose to interact with anyone else on an intimate or daily basis. I would not want to live with that other person. My children are happily married and, because they did not suffer abuse, enjoy the company and support of their spouses. I am the weird one and I know it. I look at friends who have been married for 40 years or more to the same person and wonder how they stand it. Most of these marriages are, as far as I can tell, mutually satisfying to the partners. I choose not to take that risk. Usually, I make jokes about my single status, and, since it is my choice, I seldom wish it were otherwise.

You have probably found, over time, that there are things you do and do not choose to do for psychological reasons. This is true for all people, but we are concentrating here on survivors of sexual abuse. I challenge you to think about the choices you have made for psychological comfort. Is that comfort sufficient for you? Do you need to consider making changes?

I live in a city with an astounding crime rate. The rate is going up in my neighborhood. Even though the locks on my doors give me psychological comfort, common sense demands that I keep every lock in place. I may be open and loving toward people. I may believe I don¡¯t have anything anyone would want to steal. I may think that my neighbors are not likely to do me any harm, but reality suggests that keeping my locks in place is a good idea. Most people in highly populated areas, I think, do reassure themselves that the doors are locked, etc. whenever they go out or go to bed. A little TV viewing will convince you if nothing else. I won¡¯t change my mind about locking the door, but I probably should reconsider my choice to sleep facing the door.

Periodically, it is good to review decisions. If your choice is working the way you want it to, then there¡¯s no reason to change it. If your choice is not satisfying, then it needs rethinking. Sometimes, it is not simple. For instance, you may be dissatisfied with the house, apartment, condo or whatever you live in. One extreme example is a friend of mine who is in prison. She definitely doesn¡¯t want to be there. She is working to influence the justice system that put her there by seeking a new trial (she has grounds for that) and by making maximum use of her time while she¡¯s there. She is going to college through a program available to her. She can¡¯t change her address right now, but she can make it as palatable as possible. Would she have chosen this life style for herself? No. Does she feel that she has served enough time for her crime? Yes. She has many friends who are trying to help her. Progress is being made.

You can take discouraging situations, unjust circumstances, and, simply wrong choices and make them right again. You will be changed by your choices and circumstances, and you can have control over many of them. You can use the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer for situations other than the choice to drink or not. The prayer goes like this: ¡¡ãGod grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.¡¡À

You are the final arbiter of your own attitude. The Bible says that as a person thinks in his/her heart so is he or she. This comes from Proverbs and even all those years ago, people knew some basic truth: you are what you think you are because action flows from attitude. Psychiatrists and counselors have pushed ¡¡ãreframing¡¡À for years. Reframing is looking at a problem from another angle. It is, at bottom, whether you see the glass half full or half empty. It is conscious attitude adjustment. I am still trying to adjust my attitude about my personal safety in my own home. I can point to many years of being safe there, and that keeps me from giving way to all the terrible memories and thoughts that I can have. I get to decide how long I want to think about the fear. I¡¯ve got it down to less than 30 seconds so far.

 Transcending Sexual Abuse - July 2009

"Price Tags"

Do I ever send these on? Yes, after stringent editing, I will send some of these on. Here¡¯s how I de-fuse them: I remove all the email addresses listed on the email. This is easy to do. Just highlight them and click on the little scissors on the toolbar. Using the same method, I remove all promises and threats from the email. This leaves the prayer itself. I wouldn¡¯t go to the trouble unless I thought the prayer was worthwhile to some extent. Is it ever NOT worthwhile to pray? Volumes are written on this debate, but I will say that if the prayer is short and basic, there is no harm in it and it might be helpful.

Sometimes I change the subject line to something less ¡¡ãshrieky.¡¡À For example: ¡¡ãYou MUST read this!¡¡À or ¡¡ãThis Will Change Your Life!¡¡À become ¡¡ãA Reminder¡¡À or ¡¡ãA Thought.¡¡À I totally ignore any cautions such as ¡¡ãDo Not Delete.¡¡À But, every miracle has its price tag.

So what, you may be wondering, do annoying emails and prayer have to do with recovery from sexual abuse? It is simple. The circumstances under which we lived for so long have informed us about life and what to expect from others. We are questioners, uneasy with decisions, nervous about taking any step that might be permanent. We have been assailed by advertising just like everybody else, and we are subject to persuasive tactics, too. We may be a little more dubious than some, but we are probably more conflicted than average. Who can you believe? I certainly could not believe my parents when I was a child. Their behavior and their words did not match. I am a skeptic from the get-go and I wouldn¡¯t be surprised to learn that you are, too. I am skeptical about labels on food packages even though they are required by law to be accurate. I am diabetic and what it says on the label is of extreme importance to me as I manage this chronic disease. Even such an activity of prayer requires a level of trust many of us do not have.

If you are troubled by whom to believe and what to believe, if you doubt your ability to make the right decisions, I would suggest this plan of action for you. I did this myself for many years until I felt competent to make my own personal decisions. I developed a ¡¡ãboard of directors¡¡À for myself. They acted as a sounding board for me and as advice-givers. My board consisted of people I knew I could rely on and who had nothing to gain from any decision I made. I did not include anyone who was trying to sell or promote anything. It is hard for these people to view things objectively since they are usually convinced that their product or service is the answer to whatever question you asked. I include with those who promote their own positions clergy of the less open-minded variety, especially those who have a difficult time with people of other philosophies than the one they espouse. These are the type of people who say Jesus is the answer even if the question is ¡¡ãWhat is 25 times 15?¡¡À

Many survivors are completely turned off the church and they have excellent reasons for this. Some clergy understand your situation. Others have no clue. Be very careful and do your homework before asking clergy to be on your board. Does this person have training as a pastoral counselor? What is this person¡¯s background? What does this person want from you, if anything? Is this person a creative enough thinker to suggest other methods for healing besides study or ritual? Be careful. I repeat that because you can¡¯t be too careful, especially with people in circumstances where they are willing to help, but within certain parameters which are limited by a belief system.

Your friends must be vetted, too. Is your friend successful, for the most part, in making personal decisions? Is your friend willing to talk with you about the many factors that impinge on a personal decision more complex than whether we¡¯ll be having strawberry ice cream or rocky road? Does your friend seem to be happy with his or her own decisions and does he or she have any stake besides seeing you happy in your situation? ¡¡ãNo¡¡À answers to these questions certainly do not rule out the person as a friend, but might rule him or her out as a ¡¡ãdirector.¡¡À If I¡¯m lost, don¡¯t ask me for directions, but I might be a fun companion nonetheless.

If you have a therapist with whom you are comfortable and who you think is giving you good advice and help, then include your therapist on your board. If you aren¡¯t comfortable and you question the advice, you may need another therapist. You are in a battle to preserve and strengthen your own life. Nobody is as concerned or involved as you, and you are the ¡¡ãsupreme commander,¡¡À but your therapist is your field commander as you fight. Your therapist listens, gathers information, and makes suggestions for strategy based on experience, actual academic learning, and knowledge of you. One day, you will not need a therapist every week.

Brothers and sisters may be members of your board depending on their experience. Were they involved somehow in your abuse as fellow victims or as perpetrators? Just because you have the same mother and father you are not the same people, nor do you have the same experiences. One of you will be the oldest child who came into the family the earliest. Subsequent children have a different experience, at least in part, because their mothers are more experienced. So will your sibling be a member of the board? Check them out like you would an unrelated friend.

Having a board of directors can be a significant factor in recovery. The price tag of choosing your board is really not too much considering the value. You no longer have to agonize over situations. You do not have to tell your story over and over to whoever is stuck listening to you. You have people who are willing and glad to listen, people who are just motivated by the pleasure of helping you. You get the benefit of your board¡¯s experience in handling life. You develop confidence and you learn a great deal about dealing both with circumstances and with people. You are not alone.

Now we return to the concept of prayers and miracle prayers. This is a resource available to all of us whether we call it meditation, or simple ¡¡ãthinking,¡¡À or something more formal. I believe that prayer is useful and good for you. I think prayer does produce miracles. I call these miracles my friends.

Transcending Sexual Abuse - June 2009

We have had a few difficulties with technology, so this may be reaching you later rather than sooner. But, isn¡¯t that typical? We survivors, of all people, are familiar with delay: delay in remembering, delay in seeking help, delay in accepting the problems for what they are, delay in recovery. Our magic wands are in the shop, it would appear. We can¡¯t point our wands and poof! Problem¡¯s solved.

I received an email from someone who read my book a long time ago¡ªabout a year or so. It took that long for things to simmer down, for realizations to come, for some kind of plan of attack to form. Since we are related to some of the same people, my correspondent asked some questions she hoped I could answer.

She recounted, briefly, her recovery up to now. It wasn¡¯t an unusual story in its bare outlines. She had blocked memories for many years, and then something fairly innocent happened, a few remarks, brought it all back. It takes time to recover from a blow like that. You are skipping along minding your own business, and wham! Some trigger gets pulled and you are right back where you swore you¡¯d never go.

This kind of thing is going to happen, and it may be a while before you can recognize it before you react. Is there some tried and true way to prevent this? Is there some magic formula that will permanently put abuse in the past? Well, not really. You will not always hurt, but you will not forget. You may be able to forgive the perpetrator at least in the sense that you don¡¯t let that person¡¯s behavior choices limit your own, but you will continue to remember. Abuse will inform you for the rest of your life because you are a different person as a result of that abuse.

Members of Alcoholics Anonymous will continue to define themselves as alcoholics after thirty or forty years of sobriety. Why? Even if they don¡¯t actually crave alcohol, they cannot afford to be lax or to forget how alcohol affects them. The folks I know who have been successful in achieving sobriety have moved through various stages to the point where they are able to see others drinking and not indulge. Would I describe this as a simple process? No. Would I say there is something wrong with them? No.

I would say that alcoholics have to learn to know themselves and their limits which may be as stringent as not using rum flavoring in the Christmas cake or may allow for an occasional drink. It varies from person to person.

Likewise, the survivor of sexual abuse has to take into account many factors, must know him or herself. In both cases, there will be a learning process to go through. The alcoholic has to understand that certain of his or her behaviors and desires will have to change. Perhaps you are not a person or at a stage of recovery that even allow you to be around beer or liquor. You might have to turn down a few picnics until you are stronger. A sexual abuse survivor may need to stay out of certain situations or away from certain people until he or she is stronger. The survivor can¡¯t be ¡¡ãbusiness as usual¡¡À any more than a recovering alcoholic can be.

But, you say, I have to take care of my father. He¡¯s old and sick. Yes, you might, but there are many ways, as Mr. Rogers said, to say ¡¡ãI love you.¡¡À You might have to look beyond the conventional methods. A survivor friend of mine was faced with this very dilemma. Her father was unable to care for himself adequately. There was no money for hiring someone to care for him. Taking him into her home was not an option. Things floundered around for a while, and to compound the problem, her father was not always grateful for her help. He had had too many years of bad precedents to trust her to make good decisions on his behalf.

Today, while his health is not much better, he is living in a place where he receives all the care he needs. The people there are kind and loving toward him. He probably realizes at some level that he will not be going back to live on his own, but his focus is on today and the good things that are happening today. His daughter visits nearly every day, but the stress of his care is gone for the most part.

You, as a survivor, must treat yourself with the care that is due you. It may seem that your therapist is asking a lot of you, not being sympathetic enough, or not recognizing the seriousness of the hurt you have suffered. But, hanging on to the past, being mad about it, feeling hopeless is not very helpful. You won¡¯t forget. It is okay for you to move on from wherever you are. Set yourself some simple goals. Do as the Alcoholics Anonymous folks do and decide that you can do this one day at a time, even one hour at a time.

Perhaps, if you are new to recovery, your goal might be to spend a certain amount of time on recovery today, then go about your business for the rest of the day. Write in your journal, read for half an hour in one of your self-help books, but when that time is up, do something fun. Do something just because you want to.

I am just waiting for the sun to come out so I can swim, but if that doesn¡¯t happen, I have a couple of other things in mind. You may think that by continually focusing on your problem, you will solve it faster. That is not the way the human mind works. You can reshape yourself emotionally, but it will take time. Often it¡¯s two steps forward, one step back.

You will never be ¡¡ãover¡¡À sexual abuse, but you will, by being gentle with yourself, come to a place where recovery is not your central focus in life.

And, as Martha Stewart says, that¡¯s a good thing.

"Penny Wise?"

Are basic survival issues getting you down? I am talking about things like maintaining a job, paying the rent, buying groceries. Sometimes these concerns trump the problems of having survived sexual abuse. Survivors know that even a little change in some of these basic areas can throw them for a loop. Now that the world economy is in trouble, our problems as survivors may magnify.

Take, for example, our issues with trust. Somebody (our perpetrator) taught us that no one is to be trusted. This includes parents, relatives, teachers, pastors, whoever. Normal people without severe trust issues learn over time that most of the people they associate with are trustworthy. These trustworthy folks may make mistakes or the occasional poor choice, but on the whole, they are not out to exploit the normal person.

For us survivors, it is a different story. We believe in our heads that most people are trustworthy and we do have experiences that support that belief. At the gut level, though, we are suspicious, wary, on the alert. Those survivors who have managed to keep some kind of relationship with a higher power are suspicious of that higher power, too. It is just the way the human brain functions. We know better than to let the boss know we have a problem that affects our work. What will the boss do with that information? We don¡¯t like to ask for any kind of help because that makes us, in some way, ¡¡ãbeholden¡¡À to another. We owe somebody. How are they going to get whatever is due them?

We survivors know for a fact that nothing is free. There are strings attached somewhere. At the very least, a thank you is required. We find a penny on the sidewalk and obsess about to whom it belongs, how it got there, what will happen if we even pick it up, and our responsibility to the owner. It sounds ridiculous when stated in simple terms, but we go through a series of emotions in split seconds even when faced with the nearly worthless penny on the sidewalk. Sure, we know about how much a penny is worth. We know that we, ourselves, probably wouldn¡¯t miss it if it was ours originally. Sometimes we choose to ignore the penny, sometimes we pick it up surreptitiously, hoping no one else notices our ¡¡ãlittle peculiarity.¡¡À Are we fooling ourselves somehow? Do we equate ourselves with the found penny?

We have likely been told that we are worthless. Does ignoring the penny confirm that? Are we, as persons, worth more than a penny? If we pick the penny up, what does that say to us about ourselves? Are we just trying to contain a nuisance? Are we greedy, money-grubbing quasi-criminals? It makes the papers when someone finds a large amount of money and searches for the true owner, but a penny? No body is worried about a penny, right?

I usually pick up pennies if I see them on the street. Recently, I was paying for groceries and noticed that the customer ahead of me had forgotten to take the coins from the automatic change machine. I wouldn¡¯t have seen it myself except I was expecting a few coins to clatter out of the slot. Immediate dilemma (and we are talking about 37 cents or so, here). I could just take the money. The other customer was long gone. I asked the clerk if there was some method of dealing with this situation. She shrugged her shoulders. I did not feel okay with just taking the money. That day, I contributed that ¡¡ãspare¡¡À change to the feed-the-hungry program that grocery store sponsors. I did not feel the same way as I would have if I had taken 37 cents out of my own purse to contribute. In this case, I merely felt I had done the best I could in the situation. It seemed fair. Simple situations like that appear on an almost daily basis unless we are hiding out somewhere. We have to make judgment calls and making judgment calls normally involves making a judgment of our own motives, suspicions, and goals. When we point the finger at someone else, three fingers point back to us.

As survivors, we are accustomed to judging ourselves daily, but, frequently, our judgment is clouded. It is hard for anyone to be objective in assessing his or her own motivations, but the clearer we can be about ourselves, the easier it is to make these decisions. Learn to know yourself. Be honest with yourself. Decide what questions are true issues for you and which questions are mainly of academic interest. This will vary widely, of course, because what matters to me may not matter to you. Here are a couple of quotations to help you think about simple daily problems like finding a penny on the sidewalk.

¡¡ãSee a penny, pick it up, all the day you¡¯ll have good luck. See a penny, let it lay, bad luck you¡¯ll have all day.¡¡À An old saying.

¡¡ãAre not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground without your Father¡¯s will¡­.Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.¡¡À Jesus in Matthew 10:29 and 10:31 (RSV)

When we are unable to maintain control, we usually do one of two things: exploit it or remove ourselves from it. Easy example: we go out and drink too much alcohol. We then become the life of the party or the object of everyone else¡¯s contempt (so and so can¡¯t hold his liquor) or we pass out somewhere. The person in control drinks ¡¡ãresponsibly¡¡À as all the alcohol ads on TV say. A person in control knows whether he or she can drink at all and exactly how much in order to maintain control.

Is it really necessary to remain in control at all times? No. I use the example of some people I know well. There was a wedding and the groom decided this would be an occasion when he drank. He informed a few others ahead of time. He parked his car at the place where he would be spending the night. He enjoyed his wedding reception and did, indeed, get drunk. He rode the bus, a vehicle hired for this purpose, with other guests from the reception site to the motel where he and many others were staying. He was, to some extent, out of control, but he had planned for safety.

As survivors of abuse, we have issues with control that crop up daily. Some of us may be too rigid and never relax or may be unable to get control of ourselves when we want or need to. This, of course, isn¡¯t limited to survivors of abuse. All people have some kind of trauma although it varies in degree.

Survivors, too, are in various stages of recovery. Often, it is two steps forward, one step back as we cope with situations that can change from second to second. Those of us who are new to recovery, tend to have more fluctuation in our responses. This is normal.

It took me years to learn how to deal with ¡¡ãtriggers¡¡À in my environment. For instance, my dad used Aramis aftershave. It is a smell I associate with him. It can trigger a bad feeling for me, but I began to remind myself early on that not everybody who wears Aramis is a predator. Now, I notice it, but I only spend a moment running the concept through my head. I don¡¯t think things like that completely go away. Some claim they¡¯ve learned to tolerate or even like a trigger, but nobody claims that some things are no longer triggers. We learn to control our response.

Controlling our responses is one of the life skills everyone needs to master. When a newborn cries, everyone rushes to answer the need. Newborns learn quickly to cry in certain ways depending on what they need.

At first, you may think that you cannot control any response that you have. You probably can¡¯t control the feeling that you have, but you can control how you act or don¡¯t act on that feeling. This is the critical piece: you can control your response and you can control your point of view of a situation.

It helps me to realize that I don¡¯t look at situations the same way as others do. Red flags go up for me when I see some kinds of interactions among people, but I don¡¯t call the cops just because I see a father take a little girl¡¯s hand. I cannot assume that because I had a bad experience everyone else will, too. Human relationships are complex and the best advice is the oldest advice: Know yourself.

If you know yourself, you will know what to do in nearly every circumstance. You know that if you are allergic to strawberries, then you shouldn¡¯t eat them. I consider myself ¡¡ãallergic¡¡À to some people and situations. I stay away from them as much as possible because I know I am apt to have a bad reaction. When I have to deal with something I¡¯m ¡¡ãallergic¡¡À to, I prepare as much as I can. If you don¡¯t know how to prepare, then consult your therapist or a trusted friend who can help you think of the things that you can do. My friend who is allergic to strawberries simply gives them to her husband if they accidentally appear on a plate near her.

Not all experiences are going to be resolved that easily. Forewarned is forearmed! Know who you are and what you are capable of, then play to your strength.

 Transcending Sexual Abuse - March 2009

"A Night at the Theatre"

I saw one of those plays last night that really packs a wallop. As an usher at Playhouse in the Park here in Cincinnati, I see all the plays free. I usually do not research the plays before I attend which I probably would do if I were buying tickets. Last night¡¯s offering was in the small theater (seats about 200) and was a one-act, 85 minutes of really intense experience. The actors were so wonderful that I had to remember that I shouldn¡¯t shout out my own comments or get physically involved with them. I was a spectator! They were the ones whose story was on stage.

The play is ¡¡ãBlackbird¡¡À by David Harrower. I had never heard of either the play or the author before last night. All I knew was lyrics to a Beatles song, another song, Bye, Bye Blackbird, and some information from the program which suggested that ¡¡ãblackbird¡¡À is a term for someone who has served prison time. I don¡¯t know much about that.

In some ways, Blackbird is every survivor¡¯s dream come true. The victim confronts the abuser. The victim, now an adult, has tracked him down through a picture in a trade magazine. She confronts him at his place of business. The abuser in the play never really grasps what he has done to the victim, and his life style from before his stint in prison continues fairly uninterrupted. He is a little more cautious now.

The victim is, of course, badly affected by her abuse. She has issues around abandonment, trust, public scrutiny, relationship with her parents. She has, in fact, waited until her father has died to seek the abuser out because her father still wanted to kill the man. The abuser was a neighbor, so it is not a case of incest, but it is still one of the most common forms of child abuse. About 90% of perpetrators are known to the child or family and are in positions of trust such as clergy, school personnel, people the victim lives near, etc.

But, the dream is normally that the abuser is abjectly apologetic, realizes the horrible effect of his actions (I¡¯m using ¡¡ãhe¡¡À for abuser and ¡¡ãshe¡¡À for victim for convenience), is crushed, feels unfit to live, and wants to do anything at all to atone for his behavior. That¡¯s a dream. It is not going to happen and in the play, the audience sees exactly what the likely outcome is. The abuser is upset, all right. After fifteen years, he has made a new life for himself, and, presumably, nobody knows about his past.

The victim has not really prepared for this encounter and she has not had therapy, so she doesn¡¯t do a very good job. She doesn¡¯t really know what she wants out of this encounter. She seems to want a ¡¡ãdo-over¡¡À to some extent and has to fight her attraction to the man who has hurt her so severely. Think a little Stockholm Syndrome. He has been in prison where he was treated badly (the usual case) by other inmates who just stole something or murdered somebody.

Neither the abuser nor the victim has actually learned anything in fifteen years. They have tried to work around the abuse which is a lot like trying to straighten the living room after a tornado has blown through your house.

If you get a chance to see this play, be sure you are emotionally prepared for it. You might want to read it before you see it performed. That would take the edge off. I recommend seeing it if you are far along enough in recovery to handle the emotional baggage. If you just remembered, don¡¯t go.

So what can we learn? We can first and foremost give up the idea of reconciliation with the perpetrator. The community does its best to punish crimes, but the crimes have to be brought to the attention of the justice system. The perpetrator will seek reconciliation if it means you will not pursue him legally. He will get a lawyer. The lawyer may know full well that the perpetrator is totally guilty, but the perpetrator still has rights under the Constitution, so there will be extensive effort to lighten the burden for the perpetrator. All behavior is open to interpretation. That is, in some ways, the downside of democracy. ¡¡ãI didn¡¯t mean it that way!¡¡À is a frequent excuse. When you forgive your perpetrator, you are not giving him a ¡¡ãget out of jail free¡¡À card. You are simply saying, ¡¡ãI am not going to let my anger and hurt control me. I am a stronger person than that. I am moving on with my life and will not be stuck in a situation I can do nothing about.¡¡À

We can also learn to move on. The perpetrator is not likely to change, to feel remorse beyond remorse that he got caught, or to believe he ever did anything wrong in the first place. Survivors must accept that, write him off, and move ahead. Is this fair? No. Is it the only way to be ultimately successful in life? Yes. ¡¡ãI¡¯ll never do that again¡¡À is not the common refrain for perpetrators. Only people with a sense of right and wrong can or are willing to change their behavior in response to something other than truly life or death situations. If a person will abuse a child, he will do anything at all. He is that ego-centric.

We can learn the importance of dealing with what has happened to us in a therapeutic environment. If you cannot afford a therapist, the social service network in your area will help you. Join a group of survivors who have a structure and competent leaders. Your mental health and general well-being depends on how you handle this trauma and its aftermath. Pester social services as long as it takes to get help. You may not be bleeding, but you are in just as much need as someone who is.

I would suggest you ¡¡ãvet¡¡À any group or therapist for a hidden agenda such as wanting you to join in a particular religious practice or take on any philosophy that you are not completely sold on in another context. Unfortunately, there are groups quite similar to the Taliban right here in the U.S. They have their own political and social agenda. You don¡¯t need that. A group with a specific agenda may or may not help you. Be very careful. Find neutral people who have no particular stake in the situation to help you choose the group or therapist who will help you. My physician was helpful to me in choosing a therapist. I still had to go through a couple of them to find the right match.

Do not give up! I can¡¯t stress that enough. You are a worthy person. You have been mistreated. You are entitled to help. You are a victim of crime. Be persistent with yourself and others. That is: you have been told you are worthless. It is easy to buy that and give up, but it is not true. Other people are willing to help you, but unless you continue to ask for help, it could be a very long time coming. Others will not perceive you as a priority unless you perceive yourself as a priority. This is not selfish. It is an effort to become the gift to the world that God (or the Universe or whatever higher power you prefer) intended you to be. God does not like to see creation fail. God prefers that you make the absolute most of yourself and that you are motivated to help others become their true selves. There are lots of folks ready to help you, sent by God for that very purpose. You can thrive. Get to it!

My office is a mess. I have all the photo albums out, a box of binders on the floor, a scrapbook my mother made spread out all over because it somehow lost its means to be held together. The ironing board and iron are up in my kitchen because I am steaming stuff out of the scrapbook to preserve or sell on e-bay. I wrote my relatives an email telling them I was working on this project, but I didn't tell them why.

When I learned about my abuse, I was too overcome with anger, self-pity, humiliation, guilt, and terror to do much except to try to survive. After a lot of therapy and a lot of writing, I started getting better. I had recovered sufficiently to function in my every day life. I didn't think about abuse constantly. I did start thinking about my family, though. I wondered how this could happen in a family where people were intelligent, socially aware, and, seemingly, loved each other.

I undertook to ferret out my family history. Surely there was something in there that would explain how an adult man could molest a two-year-old. Wrong! I found out some other things, though, and in listening to stories told by relatives I did get some insight. Here are some conclusions I've drawn. Maybe they will shed some light on your situation.

1. Child abuse tends to go back for generations. You are the one person who can stop it in your family. Regardless of what happened to you, it doesn't have to happen to anyone else in your vicinity. Call the police. Speak to your social worker or therapist. Do not let anyone you love be alone with a known perpetrator. Do whatever needs to be done short of murder and mayhem. Do you really care if your Daddy doesn't like you any more?

2. Learn all you can about appropriate parenting and put it into practice. Even if you do not have children of your own, you influence children and have the power to protect them. A friend of mine is childless, but she has a niece and a nephew. She is trying to undo at least some of the damage their father has done to them. If you have children, see if there are behaviors or expectations you have of them that are not realistic. You can change. You can mend fences where necessary. You can learn when you are toxic to others and when you are right on the money. I am frequently amazed at the attitudes of my peers toward their adult children.

3. I will probably never know why I was abused, but I do know that it will never happen again. I am no longer a victim. At first, you will probably need help in standing up and speaking out, but go ahead and do it. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll continue to get what you've always gotten. You are not the one who did something wrong. You are not responsible for salvaging the perpetrator. That person made his/her own choices, and must live with them.

4. Just because a person is related to you does not mean he/she has to love you or even like you. Forget whatever the perpetrator said about loving you. These people have no conception of what love is. Choose a new family if necessary. Somebody told me the other day that she is not fond of her sisters. This is largely because her mother insisted that the sisters would be each other's best friends. The family has had many difficult times. My children today are good friends with each other although they are not in constant contact. My parenting strategy was: this is your sibling. You may not mistreat him/her. That was the only rule. I didn't assume anything about whether they'd like each other or not. They didn't have to play together although they often chose to. I know this stems somewhat from a large age difference with my own brother, but though we were good friends, I never felt "required" to even like him. I don't like either of my parents. I recognize that they did not do everything wrong (even a stopped clock is right twice a day), but they made plenty of bad choices and I suffered.

5. Looking into your family history gives you a lot of valuable information. An unemotional look into history can show you where you need to make adjustments. You are unlikely to be reading this and wanting to repeat your personal history. What were you told about yourself as a child? Is it in any way true? If some parts are true, do you believe you can shut off the tape in your head and pay attention to current reality? Recovered alcoholics and drug addicts do this daily. They say, "In the past, I drank (or whatever) to excess. It caused me problems. Current reality is that I can choose not to do the addictive behavior and do something else instead." You can say, "In the past, I was told I was worthless. That turned out to be false. Current reality is that I have a responsible job (two kids, or whatever) and I can add meaning to my own life and that of others." What somebody a generation or more ago chose to do may affect you at some level, but you are your own person and you can choose how you are going to be.

6. You are the only one who can rescue you. Others will help, and gladly. No matter what "they" did to you, you are the person who is going to overcome that obstacle. You have to give up being a victim. You have to get up out of the dust and become a new creation. You have to re-invent yourself. There is no magic for this. No one will love you until you love yourself. I believe that God has created you and me for some reason. I believe that we all have obstacles to overcome and that the obstacles, though different for each of us, are there to help us discover who God intends us to be. As the old 70's poster pointed out: God don't make junk. Be strong and brave: look at the parts of your life and see what wonderful things you can do with your abilities, talents, and unique spirit.

It is amazing when we take a new look at our family history.Accepting it as it is helps us to imagine what it can be.

Transcending Sexual Abuse - May 2008

Most people are unaware that the very first child abuse case ever prosecuted was in 1874 in New York. It was prosecuted under the auspices of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. It was called the Mary Ellen case. Until the 1900s in America, children were classified, legally, with domesticated animals. It wasn't until the 1970s that abusing children was seen as harmful. That is when laws began to be passed and public awareness aroused. It has only been in the last 20 years or so that there has been any effort toward helping people recover.

I prefer to think that scientific developments are easier to deal with than social developments and this is why social change is so much slower. When you need something mechanical fixed these days one of two things happens: it's easily fixed by your efforts or a skilled repair person or you throw it out and get a new one. Clearly, this can't be done with human beings.

When I began my teaching career in the early 1960s, there was talk of a condition called "learning disability." These were the days of "patterning" children by moving their muscles for long periods of time and of believing that if a child hadn't crawled, he or she would have trouble learning to read. The idea was that the kid wouldn't move his eyes correctly for reading if he hadn't crawled.

By the mid-seventies, we were beginning to notice conditions like dyslexia. Over the 21 years I taught special needs children (1983-2004), we moved through a number of labeling systems: I started out teaching "learning disabled/behavior disordered" kids. By 2004, I was teaching "severely emotionally disturbed" children. Same kids, same behaviors. I must have been asked to teach using 25 different teaching methods and systems, one more idiotic than the next. We ended up writing individually prescribed learning systems for each child.

Don't think for a second that it wasn't incredibly complicated. Plus, everybody's rights, due process, and limitations had to be considered and addressed. We had "casts of thousands" meetings to determine exactly what aspects of addition and subtraction one 8-year-old was going to learn. Honest: "Kid" will correctly complete one-digit addition and subtraction combinations using manipulables (blocks, counters, teddy bears, etc.) to 80% accuracy as measured by standardized testing. Methods used will be direct instruction, role play, number combination cards, manipulables....This is the Reader's Digest version of one objective.

Hang in there, friends. We are slowly making it. To help speed the process, we survivors must speak out. We must be vocal about demanding research, demanding political action, demanding to have our case considered and added to the history. We must defend children. We must expose abusers. We cannot stand for further abuse, nor can we put up with those who just don't want to talk about it.

When Michael Vick promotes dog fights, we become incensed, and rightly so. We insist that he be fined, locked up, lose his job, and anything else we can think of to punish him. This is as it should be. We do not condone in any way cruelty to animals.

This is, now, an historic attitude. Are we less important and are our children less important than animals? You are just as important as your dog.

Transcending Sexual Abuse - April 2008

Survivors of sexual abuse are really never "over" it. We are warped for life, each in his or her own unique way. Of course, it can be argued that every person is warped by something, whether it is chronic illness, chaotic upbringing, wealth, poverty, an absent parent, a terrible accident. As the poet said, "the child is father to the man" (or mother to the woman). He was a romantic poet: Wordsworth, that is, not Blood, Sweat, and Tears. Whatever influences our childhood determines what challenges we face or what blessings we enjoy. For every person, this is the case. Our job as adults is to figure out what has influenced us and to choose how that is going to impact our lives.

Were you allowed to learn music as a kid? I was, and it has enriched my life beyond measure to be able to sing and play the piano, to read music, to listen to music, and to feel the rhythms of life. My children, although they like music, are mainly skilled at playing the radio or operating the CD player. They were given opportunities to explore their musical gifts, but one has a degree in fine arts and paints, another one is a teacher, the third one is in food services at the management level. Is there something wrong with that? Certainly not. While music surely influenced their growing up, as adults they have chosen a different focus. We all do that. What will my grandchildren choose? Both of them play violin in the school orchestra. They really enjoy it, but will they become musicians? It's too soon to say.

When we recognize the damage that has been done to us because of sexual abuse, we feel an amazing array of emotions: anger, guilt, shame; we feel unclean, disgusting and disgusted, fury, rage, despair, and, sometimes, hope.Before we start feeling worthwhile, contributing, hopeful on a regular basis, valuable, in control of ourselves, adult, we have to do a lot of work in recovery therapy.It is worth the tears, the raging, the sense of unfairness to arrive at full adulthood where we make conscious choices about our attitudes and behaviors.

Some people liken it to Twelve-Step programs such as AA where the first step is admitting there is a problem. Once we know what the problem is, then we can move toward solving it. Is there a one-solution-fits-all outcome? No. Don't waste time and energy following that particular dream.

We were heavily influenced by our abuse. It formed a part of our personalities. For me, it is helpful to acknowledge that, to realize that most people do not have incest in their past (yes, a lot do, but in fact two-thirds of all women have no such experience and the percentage for men is higher). I must daily, just like an alcoholic, decide that I am not going to let myself be led into the negative emotions that just naturally seem to occur when I hear about abuse; emotions that occur when I read in the paper about some character who says, "The baby wouldn't stop crying, so I shook her;" when I see yet another example of a person treated like an object.

I have to overcome my mistrust of just about everyone I meet, but I have to know who is trustworthy and who is not. It is that problem of discernment that slows most survivors down.

How do I know whom I can trust? I start slowly in new relationships. I think about them. I scrutinize the other person's behavior. I have an email "friend." I met her through another email friend. Let's call my friend "Sue." There has been no opportunity to see Sue in action, but there have been a couple of telephone calls. I sent her my book as a way for her to get acquainted with me. I met Sue because a mutual friend died. She was much closer to our friend than I was and I hoped to help her through that loss.I learned soon that Sue did not enjoy the friendship and was actually bringing me down.

You, unlike "normals," can't just be friends with everybody who comes along. You have already learned not to believe everything someone tells you. You are a skeptic and will remain a skeptic. Use that skepticism to your advantage. Find ways to interact with others that allows you to see who they really are. How do they treat others? Who else is a friend to them? What do they seem to want from you? Do you have a friend who has proved to be trustworthy to you? Ask that person's opinion. An outside, objective opinion is a good thing to have. That's how Amy Dickinson and other "advice" columnists earn a living: by being impartial observers.

I think when the Christian scripture says "Judge not lest you be judged," that sentiment needs the usual grain of salt. Jesus asks you to use your brain. You don't get to decide who gets "saved" ultimately because that is God's call, not yours. You are allowed to think and to discern, from their treatment toward you, which people are good for you and which aren't.

Still feel guilty about passing that panhandler on the street? Give $5 to the homeless shelter. Still think you should be able to salvage somebody else's life? Pray for them. Do the good things you know will help, and remember that your discernment is the critical factor. Sure, give your sister $50 to pay a bill if you can afford it and if you know that your sister is a trustworthy person who has managed her problems pretty well most of the time. If this is the seventeenth time she's gotten down on her luck and wants you to bail her out, think again. She needs more help than you can give her.

Transcending Sexual Abuse - February 2008

I am a little down today because our local newspaper has yet another story to follow about a terribly abused child. We have about a half dozen of these cases in some state of investigation or resolution on any given day. Today's miserable saga concerns an 11-year-old mother (this is no typo, she was actually only 10 when she gave birth) who was impregnated by her mother's 40-year-old boyfriend. DNA proved the parentage.

We survivors know that this is not as rare a situation as the general public seems to think. Folks around here are saying, "How could this happen?" just the way they, no doubt, responded to you when you told them that your parent, uncle, family friend, teacher, or whoever assaulted you. It can't be--right? Well, University Hospital has the complete records which they are sharing with the courts. DNA did its thing.

The little girl mother can see the baby who is in foster care about twice a week and the baby's grandmother can't see the baby at all and can only see her daughter under court supervision. Pretty lenient, under the circumstances, if you ask me. The father is in jail on other charges. The paper, thank God, is not running pictures of the little girl or the baby or the grandmother. I think there would be a lynch mob out here if people could locate these poor excuses for parents. I am also sure that the grandmother has a sad story of her own. I am sure the man took an opportunity to amuse himself (probably repeatedly) and never gave a thought to possible consequences.

What are we going to do about these situations that continue to arise? What are you going to do when childhood sexual abuse surfaces in your community? I wrote an editorial which was published today in the Cincinnati Enquirer in response to another child abuse case which is currently being heard in Hamilton County Court. I also fired off a letter to the editor this morning before I even got to the Opinion Page, so I am not sure the letter will be published. I hope a lot of other people wrote letters, too, because until we demand more disclosure and stop blaming victims we are going to continue to see these abuses happening. Because we have been speaking out, insisting on prosecution for offenders, and launching prevention programs, we have achieved a bit of success. People are starting to think there might be a problem.

People still don't want to talk about childhood sexual abuse. They waffle on whether water boarding is torture and deny that Americans use that particular torture. They were shocked at the pictures from Abu Ghraib, yet allow Guantanamo to function for years and years. Some people are saying the Holocaust never happened. If things don't fit neatly into our Sunday School version of reality, we tend to ignore them. It is up to us survivors of sexual abuse to yell loud and clear, "Stop!"

Do not get sidetracked by other issues. Sexual abuse is wrong wherever it occurs. It is not something the victim did. It is not anyone's right to pursue his/her own violent streak or perverted pleasure seeking at the expense of another person, regardless of that person's age. People are not objects. We must keep telling the world. We must be clear in expressing what we know. Sexual abuse must stop.

We are just beginning to make some headway, so let's rededicate ourselves to building our own lives in healthy, healing, positive ways, and to speaking out to save others. Make sure your abuser is known as an abuser. If you are somehow dependent on the abuser, start now to change that. Go to a shelter or do whatever it takes to get yourself out of the situation. Keep asking until you get help. Find mandated reporters such as teachers, physicians, and social workers and let them help you. The domestic violence national hotline number is 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224. The national child abuse hotline is !-800-4-A-Child or 1-800-422-4453. Call your local police. Keep going until you get relief. If one person doesn't believe you, go to someone else. Don't give up!

You, your child, your neighbor--you are worth it. You do not deserve disrespect or violence. And, remember to pray for yourself and for others. We will need God' s help to stop child abuse.

Transcending Sexual Abuse - January 2008

"New Year - New Start"

This is something I received via email: ¡¡ãNothing is real until you experience it; otherwise, it¡¯s just hearsay.¡¡À Now, obviously, I don¡¯t know who said that first or where it really came from, but I am struck by a certain amount of truth in it.

I know from being a parent that some kids have to learn everything the hard way. I have a child who was told by her father once that she had to walk into the wall about five times before she noticed the door. A lot of things (not all of them pleasant) had to be experienced by these kids before it was real. Fortunately, we didn¡¯t experience too much tissue damage and nothing terribly serious happened, but we were lucky. As parents, we intervened only when truly catastrophic results might occur.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, you know that no loving parent intervened for you even though demonstrably catastrophic results have occurred. Sexual abuse is not hearsay for you. You know much more about it than you want to. Now that we are beginning a new year, let¡¯s make our experience count for something positive in the world.

One thing that will help you in the new year, is to let go of your anger and forgive the person who abused you. People tell you to do that all the time, but they don¡¯t always spell out the advantages to you in this.

First, once you let go of the anger, you have all that time and energy available to do something else that you¡¯d rather do. I have time to write, to play with my grandchildren, to be with friends, to sort my socks, drink hot chocolate, and do a lot of other things I like to do because I am not constantly thinking about how I was done wrong. I am not plotting revenge or trying to ruin someone¡¯s reputation because I have left that job up to my higher power.

I have a friend who, somewhat reluctantly at first, forgave her father for his abuse of her. Now she is enjoying a positive relationship with him. He has sincerely asked her forgiveness. This may not work quite as well for you as it has my friend. My dad is dead. I wouldn¡¯t begin to say I¡¯m sorry about that¡ªhardly anyone was sorry at the time. But I will say that as soon as I said, ¡¡ãI am not going to let anything my dad did keep me from enjoying my life. Let God deal with him,¡¡À I was a happier, more productive person. I liked myself and what I was doing. Setting the record straight and dealing with eternal issues is not my job. This is not to say that you should deal with everything internally!(needs something)

A second benefit of living in an attitude of forgiveness is that you can do good in the world with your life experience. You can speak up in defense of children, lobby your representatives from your hometown on up to Washington, D.C. to seek out and treat offenders, to educate and prevent abuse in your own family and neighborhood, and to make your voice heard.

Average people are beginning to faintly grasp the problem of sexual abuse. They need us to keep the issues before them. They don¡¯t understand that sexual abuse is so widespread or that it is so destructive, but it¡¯s starting to dawn on them. In today¡¯s paper, there is a story about a sex offender who was sentenced for his behavior. The parents of the two victims made victim impact statements that were powerful. They influenced the sentence that the judge pronounced.

We need to be there for the candlelight vigils, the pinwheel display of Prevent Child Abuse America in April, and in court as supportive observers. We need to use our experience to write letters to the editor to make people aware of what is happening. Sexual abuse happened to you, but you can use it to make your life and the lives of others meaningful. Whatever your sphere of influence, be it a classroom, an office, the pulpit, or just the coffee shop, utilize every opportunity to tell others that child and sexual abuse are not inevitable. It can be stopped.

This is an election year. The third way to utilize your experience for good is to examine the issues and carefully study the candidates. Ask them what they are going to do to end sexual abuse. Get their opinions on the problems facing us as survivors. Vote accordingly. Get on the band wagon to engineer reforms at all levels of government. We are a special interest group, too.

Linde Grace White, author of Dollbaby: Triumph Over Childhood Sexual Abuse, Cedar House, 2005

 To learn more about Linde, click here.